We do not remember days; we remember moments. ~Cesare Pavese, The Burning Brand
It is never easy to lose someone. I lost my father. When I saw the message to call home when I woke up, my heart sank. You know that sick feeling in the throat? That jotting pain in the heart?
I called my mum. I cried alone.
The flight home was long. I knew I needed rest but eyes would not close and mind would not stop. Images of the past kept flashing before my eyes. Every memory hurt. I knew that I had to stay strong. And all my weakness must be left on flight EK404. My mum needed me.
A visit to Samy’s Curry is a must. I remember as a kid, Dad would take both mum and myself here occasionally. Before Dempsey was Dempsey House or Hill, it was Central Manpower Base of Singapore (“CMPB”) and a former British army barracks. I can’t remember what else was around it but if we wanted to eat fish head curry, Samy was the place to go.
Since my arrival and after the funeral, I have been wanting to visit Samy before Mister headed back to Melbourne. My mood was so foul earlier that morning. I kicked a fuss and threw my temper because I thought he was not keen. I picked on some stupid small thing and exploded. A sign of weakness. For days prior I have tried so hard to stay calm, to stay strong. On the day of the funeral, I stood and looked at my dad for the last time. I shed tears. I wanted to cry and cry and cry but I held back and held back. When we had to walk behind the Hearst, I had to hold back more tears as I held and supported my mum. If I broke down then, what will happen to mum? And I was given the responsibility of presenting the eulogy. It was the hard. It was really really tough. I choked on my tears as I read the eulogy. At one point, I had to suck in my tears. It was fucking hard. My dad was a great man. He loved and worked so hard for his family without complains. He just did it. He was a man of few words and he shows his love through actions. He did not believe in saying “I Love You”. He did not believe in verbalisation. His old colleagues gave him high praise and respect. His old friends broke down and cried. I am my father’s daughter but those shoes are so big. Will they fit?
Sorry hunnie that I threw my temper. In some ways, I am similar to my dad. I fail at being expressive. I did not know how to tell you why I must visit Samy and why I want you to come with me. I just suck at this sort of stuff. I will like to thank you for making this video and making my mum laugh. I love you and thank you for flying down and playing your last respects to my dad. You definitely brought the sunshine into the family.
Dad. Rest in peace and quietness. There is no more pain or suffering. I love you Dad. But I have to let go now. And don’t worry about mum. It is my turn to take care of her.